Or that I’ve been feeling these past two and a half weeks?

Why can’t I just get my lazy ass up and away from my TV/laptop and do something worthwhile and intellectually stimulating? Like, oh, I don’t know, hunker down with a good novel, or apply to some jobs, or some scholarships, or read the news even! 

Oh well, that can wait until next week, I guess. Shit, I still have to order my textbooks! Why oh why am I so behind on life?! Alright, my new resolve: Make the next two and a half weeks the most productive weeks of my entire break. I’m going to:

1. Make a cookbook, so I don’t die of starvation/excessive overspending in London.
2. Finalize as much of my travel plans as I possibly can!
3. Apply to ~5 jobs a week.
4. Hit the library! And finish one book every 3 days. IT’S POSSIBLE!
5. Watch some classic American films.
6. Learn some good one-liners. Idk I’m really into one-liners these days.
7. Sift through some new Urban dictionary definitions. I’m also really into learning what words the cool kids are using.
8. Pack for Europe.
9. Update my iPod.
10. Come up with a get-rich-quick scheme.

I’ve always loved being the center of attention. And the more I think about it, the sadder I get because I don’t know why I’m putting myself through business school. I mean, it’s not pre-med or law, but it’s finance, and logistics, and quantitative data, and I could not be less interested. Is this honestly what I want to do…I’m just not so sure anymore.  

I know I could never stop business for music. I’m not even that invested in music. I just listen to whatever people recommend, and I usually like it. I like most music. I like to sing. But there’s a difference between what you like, and what you need. And I need security, and that’s business. 

If only I had the courage to turn that around. Truthfully, I think I’m just PMS-ing, or going through a quarter-life crisis, or both. It feels awful, though. I don’t want to think I’m wasting my parents’ money, and I don’t want to think I’m wasting my life pursuing something I think is just “practical.”

But it’s not all bad—I know business is a huge industry, and I can manipulate my major into something I love. Movie marketing, business of entertainment, media, and technology. There. Options. Silver linings, whatever.

I hate being young and indecisive. And I especially hate talking to people who are going places, then staring in the mirror and seeing my boring, static self. Insecurities, will you please leave me alone? Or at least stop gripping my mind so tightly, I’m going so insane.

Lady Gaga, Bill Gates, Steve Jobs, Mark Zuckerberg, the Google founders—sensing a pattern here, maybe…

No. Nevermind, no I’m staying in college what am I saying.

But these last few days—if I could count how many times I’ve wanted to shove a pencil in my ear in the last 12 hours—really helped me put a perspective on what I want, so here it is:

I don’t want to go to school, but I want to learn. I want to get eight hours of sleep every night and wake up in the morning feeling better than the day before. I want college to pay for itself a few years out, I want to travel. I want to wake up in Paris and go to bed in Barcelona! I want to try different foods without worrying about the cost. I want to be dressed by Valentino, J.Mendel, Elie Saab. I want to work for myself, and I want someone to come home to every night! 

Is wanting all that really such a stretch?