of awkward tension in my house lately. Well, not so much, but a little more than the usual, and it all started over—can you guess?—money. Literally, the root of all problems.

I want to take a 3-credit class over the summer, and my mom’s against it. I can see why—it’s roughly $3,000 that: (1) won’t be covered by scholarships; and (2) is needed to be spent about two years earlier than we had planned. So needless to say, I feel tremendously guilty about it. At the same time, I need to take this summer class in order to graduate early. 

I think it would have been okay had I not taken two classes last summer, as well…anyway, the point I’m trying to make is: Yes, I know I’m very demanding. Last semester I worked an unpaid internship, so I needed my parents’ help with money (like a lot), and since I’m spending this semester abroad I’m going to need their help again (this time twofold, since I’m going to be living in a city more expensive than New York). 

At the same time, I’m planning on working this summer and paying them back some of what I borrowed. And I’m going to support them later on—aren’t I allowed to be a little needy now? (I feel like I’m going on a more complex tangent than planned…)

-

A month or two ago, one of my friends from college and I were sitting in my dorm, talking about (what else?) our futures. We’re both in Stern, studying business, and struggling with some sort of mis-identity, mis-direction, call it what you will, but it’s a very common stress that plagues most young collegiate peoples. 

Anyway, we were talking about whether or not we were going to get funneled into the cookie-cutter “Built-In Life/Career Path” most students in Stern seem to inevitably adopt.

(For those of you who aren’t in Stern, the plan goes pretty much like this: Major in finance + random concentration that makes you think you’re somehow different than everyone else —> flip a shit junior spring looking for a summer internship at a bank —> eventually land an internship —> spend a totally boring, unfulfilling summer working at ____ bank —> get an offer to work full-time beginning two months after graduation —> make a shit ton of money —> get comfortable —> meet future spouse —> get knocked up —> move to an upper middle class neighborhood —> live an upper middle class life —> die decently happy, knowing you were able to support your family and parents and yourself, but also knowing that you were happy in the long-term, yet rarely in the day-to-day)

He was pretty confident that he wouldn’t—but I’m just not so sure. 

I can say honestly that I don’t want to. If someone came to me today at this moment, or tomorrow, or anytime in the next few months, and told me that when I left college, I would just be giving up a desk in school for an office desk, that I’d be a cog in some financial institution somewhere, I would cry.

What I really want to do is take a risk and do something (start a business, something!) that sounds totally crazy, something that *could work* and could payoff big time (in happiness, and in money)—but also might not. But how could I do that to my parents? How could I put them through the stress of thinking I might not succeed…and that all the money they had invested in my education might end up being a total waste?

This all might sound terribly exaggerated—but I’m telling you, these are legitimate fears!

But then again, how could I not do this for myself? Didn’t my parents work hard to make sure my sister and I could have access to all the opportunities they weren’t able to have? If I give up doing what I want to do, it’s like this endless cycle…they work hard to give me a better life, I work hard to give back, and to give my kids a better life…and in the end, nothing extraordinary gets done. Nothing special happens! 

I mean, I guess different people want different things. In a few years, maybe I’ll just want security. But right now all I know is that I’m young, and I want to do something special with my life. And nothing special comes out of playing it safe.

And I’m sorry! But I’ve been really busy—and a little uninspired these days. Also, two of my courses last semester were writing-intensive, so I spent all my energy on keeping up with that—anyway, I’m done with the excuses, but a few things I’ve noticed after a lengthy break from posting:

(1) All my entries in the past are so CHEESY! and

(2) My blog is in serious need of some cleaning up/revamping. I’m bored of my theme, let’s get something new in here please!

On a different note—I just deactivated my Facebook. I’m probably going to regret this in a few days (if I even last that long), but I’m hoping that a break from it will encourage me to better keep in touch with my friends. Like instead of assuming that I know what’s going on in their lives through their photos and status updates, I’ll have to call/video chat them to know what they’ve been up to.

I’m hoping it’ll be good for me (and I’m hoping I can stick with it for at least a month or so)!

How we feel, and how we act, is often impacted by how we literally see ourselves day-to-day. When we dress formally, for example, we tend to act more mature; and when we’re in our sweats or lounge wear, we’re more comfortable, and our actions reflect that.

So as we age, I think we begin to act older as we see our appearance change. I think that when a forty-something looks in the mirror one day and sees sunspots scattered on her skin, and lines around her eyes, and silver streaks in her hair, she’ll understand that she’s growing old, and she’ll begin to act older. Maybe she’ll take more notice in the fact that she gets tired more easily; or maybe she’ll realize that her mind isn’t as quick as it once was. She’ll think: It’s because I’m getting older, and she’ll accept it. She’ll blame her mannerisms on time, rather than a poor exercise regimen or diet. 

But what if she never looked in the mirror? And never saw those spots, those lines, or silver hairs? What if the last time she looked in the mirror was on her twenty-fifth birthday, and that’s how she remembered herself for the rest of her life? She’ll always see herself as a young, healthy, quick-witted twenty-five year old; until the day she dies. There would be no reason for her to simply accept deteriorating health as a reflection of age; rather, she would work to remedy whatever seemed “off,” physically or mentally.

Theoretically, this philosophy could slow aging. Of course, it would be difficult, if not impossible, to test an idea like this. But if only we could! The results would reflect the power of the mind, of perception, and challenge a field science is still attempting to break through.

And so begins a common chronicle! How to live less materialistically in an increasingly more materialistic world. 

Savings: $588.85

So breaking down one big How-To into several:

1. How to combat candy cravings - Make your own! And don’t pay for sugar either—“borrow” packets from local cafes and diners. 
2. How to save on eyecare (for those who wear contacts) - Fill your contact case to the bare minimum, rather than to the brim; OR wear glasses until you actually have an income. 
3. How to save on necessities - Go to Trader Joe’s. Bought body wash there for a just under $3 (body wash is inexpensive in general, but I’ve found that they usually cost $4-5 at Walgreens/Duane Reade). 

And there was this one scene where something jumped out of the bushes—totally saw it coming, but I still freaked out and arm spazzed which would’ve been fine except I was holding a steak bowl from Chipotle and basically threw rice and guac onto my face.

I’ve flown back to New York and am now bumming around in my friend’s dorm in between classes. 

This vacation is not what I imagined—at all. In my mind, I’ve always paired summers in the city with a high of intellectual fever; my first June in New York, I thought, would be spent watching Shakespeare in the park, apple-picking in Duchess County, and drinking with my friends on the Chelsea pier. But the city is still wet and abused by frequent thunderstorms. And if the rain wasn’t enough to kill my spirit, the fact that my roommate is basically the only person I know who’s left in the city certainly is. 

I miss my friends from home! I’ve been bugging one of my best friends to find a paid internship in the city—hopefully that all works out. I really can’t stay here for another six weeks by myself, I’m dying of loneliness. 

And it’s forty-one minutes into the first official day of summer-as-a-girl-caught-in-freshman-sophomore-limbo! It’s funny how I left New York the same way I found it—cloudy, dreary, wet, a sorry shot of the city itself—like a 30 second music clip that doesn’t showcase the best melodies of a song. 

Before I left, I tried to capture my college life in a few videos. For three hours, I recorded my “average” day: My walk to school, my favorite food spots, hangouts, my friends, my workplace…I showed them to my sister when I came home today. We sat on the couch with the TV going on obnoxiously in the background, and I fast forwarded through my selfmade “Day-in-the-Life-Of.” The videos were so bad. They were shaky and bad resolution, and they didn’t capture my day at all. And I realized from my growing frustration that even though I always complain about NYU, Stern especially, I’ve actually come to like it! Like it a lot—I’m not sure. But I’m definitely proud of my school, be it our great dining halls or prestigious—and notoriously old—professors. And though my second semester wasn’t everything I had hoped for (in terms of academics), I felt like it’s when I finally let loose and, cheesy as it sounds, found my bearings, and a community.

I really don’t know what I’ll do with myself these next three months. But since I won’t be going back to New York anytime soon, I’m determined to milk the most out of this summer! Read more for my friends’ and my Summer ‘12 Bucket List (courtesy of several Tumblr blogs):

1)   Dancing in the rain

2)   START OUR OWN BUSINESS

3)   Tons of sleepovers! (x2/week when we’re all together!)

4)   Tie-dye

5)   Set up a website

6)   YouTube channel

7)   Drive-in movie

8)   Camping

9)   Chase an ice-cream truck

10) Disney movie marathon

11) Spa day

12) Day-trip to berry farm

13) Second ear piercing

14) TATTOO shhhhhh

15) Start our own henna service

16) Photo shoot

17) ROAD TRIP

18) Pool hopping

19) Rent a boat & tubing (maybe…at the end of summer)

20) Hiking

21) Cover street in chalk

22) Carve initials into tree

23) Watch sun rise

24) Put a secret in a balloon and let it fly away

25) Go to a concert (Santigold)

26) Painting day (paint oil portraits of one another)

27) Baking day

28) Try a new restaurant every week

29) Make a music video

30) Go to Austin and water tube down the river

to have different friends. Friends that aren’t cut from the same fabric; friends that can challenge you, can test your beliefs, can lead you into corners of a grungy, exciting, unpredictable city that you never knew existed. It’s important, I think, to have friends that stretch you, and make you see more pervasively, and make you more encompassing. Because it’s hard to try to learn everything. Books require too much attention. We would rather live a story than see it in print, which is why we need to acquire friends from many contexts. Friends to smoke with in the hazy dark of a Thursday midnight, friends to sip Rosé with mid-afternoon. Friends that speak German, Polish, politics, economics. Friends that take you to gallery openings and movie premieres—

I think it’s important to have different friends.

unattainable.

Problem is, I’ve spent so much time on it that I can’t even tell if it’s good or not anymore because it’s the only thing I’ve been reading for the past week. So as far as I can tell, it’s either the NYTimes or Highlights, guess I won’t find out til I get it back Monday. 

Urgh, still have a page left to write. PLUS I need to edit. PLUS I need to print, make a Works Cited, settle on a title, hole punch, print a letter—all in the next 2 hours. UGH MY LIFE. 

Lady Gaga, Bill Gates, Steve Jobs, Mark Zuckerberg, the Google founders—sensing a pattern here, maybe…

No. Nevermind, no I’m staying in college what am I saying.

But these last few days—if I could count how many times I’ve wanted to shove a pencil in my ear in the last 12 hours—really helped me put a perspective on what I want, so here it is:

I don’t want to go to school, but I want to learn. I want to get eight hours of sleep every night and wake up in the morning feeling better than the day before. I want college to pay for itself a few years out, I want to travel. I want to wake up in Paris and go to bed in Barcelona! I want to try different foods without worrying about the cost. I want to be dressed by Valentino, J.Mendel, Elie Saab. I want to work for myself, and I want someone to come home to every night! 

Is wanting all that really such a stretch?

Was my suitemate’s 19th birthday today—Lina and I spent the morning drawing mustaches on white balloons, then putting them all over Claire’s room :) 

you can make your boobs bigger with the power of positive thinking! Gotta try this

Got a job at a Naples-based coffee start-up yesterday night—Caffe Toraldo. If you haven’t heard about it yet, oh, you will! The company revolutionizes the way we make coffee—it’s really big in Italy but has yet to settle in the US. I’m taking on marketing responsibilities; you know, getting the name out, introducing the brand to prospective clientele, extending it to social media, yada yada—gah, it all sounds so professional! Anyway, so ridiculously excited for this, I’ll be making a tumblr dedicated specifically to Caffe Toraldo soon, so please please follow. I’ll do something special for every follower in return, details to come!